If your sex life is comfortable, you're probably not trying hard enough. Four couples reveal how pushing their sexual boundaries helped them overcome the classic sex-life killers-stress, kids, familiarity-and brought them closer than ever.

Alok and I were in a rut, though not a bad one. He was a traditional guy, raised in a strict Indian household. He was a man of few words who looked dangerous in a suit, which was what I wanted back then. We ate dinner at dark, glittering restaurants, got tipsy, went back to his place, and had lean, hard sex in total silence. It was good, but even something good, if it never changes, gets old.

He called me at work one afternoon, 18 months into our relationship, and asked if he could come to my office, close the door, and-well, you know. He wanted something out of his comfort zone.

I almost fainted before he arrived. The sex was not graceful, but it was powerful. We all have a fear of big love dying, of ruts and stalemates. But love can last. Not just in the heart-but in bed, between the sheets, between the thighs. Sexual love needn't have an expiry date. Turn the page to find out the secrets to keeping sex spicy.

Lesson 1
Kink starts with communication
Neha and Animesh have been a thing for three years, and their sex life is still heating up. She shows me photos from a trip they took to Goa last month. I suddenly know the story: a rented cabin, small bed, good food, and walks on the beaches, salty air-and sex outdoors and indoors, at all hours, in sunshine and rain.

They're both in their 30s. A year ago they had a painful separation and he moved out. This was the combustion of hidden fears and desires, stuff they hadn't admitted to each other or themselves. They had been too afraid of the answers to ask questions. But they talked a lot in the following weeks and ultimately opened the floodgates of dirty truths. Honesty was the greatest thing that had ever happened to them. He moved back in.

This communication renaissance has transformed their bedroom, too. Their candour as a couple allows them to ask for what they want without worrying about freaking each other out. "We both said, 'Is there something that you're curious about, that you want to try?' " Neha says. Before the separation, that would have been unimaginable.

So far, the new requests have been physical (exotic positions) and aesthetic (high heels). Neha travels for business and sends naughty pictures while she's away. She loves how "raw" Animesh sounds when he asks for such 'stuff'.

When she travels, she buys lingerie for herself-but really, for him. She sends him photos of her new acquisitions. In a dressing room far from home, trying on an ivory slip, she might as well be in his arms for how close this makes them. This ritual act would be meaningless except that he asked her to do it. She needed and wanted to be asked, and he's glad he did.

Lesson 2
Spicy sex comes and goes-don't worry about it
Anu, 32, and Rohit, 40, have been together for 13 years. (Their names have been changed, like all the couples in this story.) Their relationship began carnal and wide open, and I know why. They're not shy about toys, tricks, or groups. The challenge has not been about breaking sexual boundaries, but about forging new emotional ground so the sex has room to grow.

They have a three-year-old now, and they're both on fast tracks at work. The languorous hours of youth filled with infinite nights and late, dirty mornings are now consumed by responsibilities and exhaustion. Anu believes in working with this new environment, not against it.

She says they go through "sex cycles", weeks of sex and weeks without, and it's important to go with the flow. Instead of feeling down about themselves or the relationship during these dry spells, they work to stay intimate by cuddling and talking.

Anu is also a proponent of the girls' night out. After a night of harmless flirting with random guys at bars, she arrives home ready and willing, and usually finds Rohit revved up with a healthy jolt of suspicion and jealousy. No harm, no foul-just enough buzz to make the night sweaty.

Anu and Rohit can play with this emotional dynamite because they're best friends. Rohit is as engaged in parenting as she is, she's as engaged in her work as he is in his, and they look to each other for advice before consulting anyone else. But none of this maturity shuts down the soul that steamed up the windows of their car 13 years ago. "An adult relationship leads to adult sex," Anu says. The way she says it makes you realise that there's nothing wrong with growing up sometimes.

Lesson 3
You have to fight to keep it fresh
Medha is a young-looking 38. Ravish is 44, broad-shouldered, a full-time military man with a shaved head. They've been together for 16 years, and, she says, "I knew about his sexual appetite from the beginning." Ravish, it turns out, is always hungry.

Their story is an unlikely one. They dated for four months and wed when Medha was 21, even though she'd never wanted marriage or kids, and had survived what she calls a "traumatic sexual situation" as a teen. But then she met Ravish, and he was the one.

Still, they had to work through the sexual-appetite mismatch. They went for counselling for a while, and Medha even had her testosterone tested-it was, in fact, low. She tried medication, but found that healthy eating and regular exercise was enough to keep her desire alive. She says her top priority is the marriage, and specifically sexual satisfaction within the marriage. "It comes down to caring about your partner. If you care, you go the extra mile."

They've developed what Medha calls a "raw communication style", where they always ask directly for what they want or need. They do the date-night thing sometimes, which is often no more than sitting on the couch and watching a movie the way they did at the beginning, but there are no expectations. That's a rule. It's a matter of grabbing playtime opportunities as they come. Just spontaneous.

Lesson 4
Foreplay often starts alone
Ila is 5'3", with sweetheart cheekbones and the devil in her eyes. Aditya has dark hair and light eyes, and is strong from riding his bike to work every day. She calls him a wild bird. "We've always been wild. We never fit the mould of husband and wife." For 11 years, they played and roamed and lived. Then they had two children.

"No book or friend can prepare you for what it means to be married and have kids," she says. They tried counselling. They did the date-night thing, too. But over dinner, they'd talk work, kids, and the other things stressing them, and go home even less likely to rip each other's clothes off.

One desperate day, Ila decided to disconnect from the whole unit: The house, the kids, the husband, the business. She found a mountain house online and went there for eight days alone. She sat atop the hill in the crisp blue air, and at first was terrified by the quiet. Then she sank into it. "As a woman," she says, "it's hard to get into that place where you're fully sexually alive. The caring, nurturing love," Ila says, "is more active in you than the sexual love."

This temporary and voluntary separation so empowered her that when she came home, she told Aditya he had to go somewhere by himself alone. So he hit the jungle for 14 days. What these two trips did for their sex is inestimable.

In an uncourageous, pessimistic way, I sometimes believe it's better to have not loved than to have loved and lost. To see a blushing, purring couple who once couldn't keep their hands to themselves turn ugly or cold. It's a version of mortality straight from second-grade science class: living things are doomed to die.

But in any ecosystem, there can be rebirth. I consider these couples heroic. What makes one person feel brave might leave another feeling foolish. But as they say, the only way to reach the other shore is to lose sight of this one. So ask yourself this: Where do you want to go tonight? Now tell her.

Fire How to build one in bed. You'll never see Mariana, our model for this story, on Page 3 of an entertainment supplement for any overtly obscene reason. Despite her saucy potrayal in photos, her beliefs about intimacy are traditional. "Sex is beautiful, and you have to be with a person that you're in love with," she says. Mariana explains how to broach a subject that makes you tremble, without offending. Step 1: Earn her trust Talking about sex with your mate should be easy, she says. Gain your partner's trust in all the usual ways-be faithful, listen- but even small acts can help. Do what you say you'll do. Take out the trash. Call the landlord. Ask for that raise. And tell her, often, that you love her. Step 2: Figure out her limits Mariana has her limits, of course. She won't participate in anything she finds disrespectful to women. But one woman's act of degradation could be another's delight. The only way you'll know: Talk to her. Step 3: Tell her what you want Mariana has never role-played or used handcuffs in bed-but then no one has asked. "When a guy asks me, I'll have to make a decision," she says. The 4 enemies of hot sex 1. You schedule it This is a huge problem for couples with kids: You have a rare night alone, and there will be sex, damn it! Problem is, nothing kills the desire for sex quite as effectively as the demand for it. The fix: Make a list of the top 10 little things that put you in the mood for sex, suggests Indorebased sexologist Dr Mahesh Nawal. "They don't all have to be overtly sexual-also pick stuff that makes you feel positive about your relationship." Ask your girlfriend or wife to do the same, share your lists, and promise to do five things on each other's list. 2. You each want different things She wants more snuggling; you want more penetration. Unfortunately, this often plays out as a power struggle, which is decidedly unhot for both of you. The fix: Trade roles once every six weeks. Agree to initiate an intimate date, if she plans an erotic one. On your date, focus on sensual touching and-this is key-ban intercourse and orgasm. (Think old-fashioned make-out session in the car.) For her erotic date, prohibit intercourse but not orgasm. "Mix it up and take risks," Dr Nawal suggests. 3. You can't keep it up (Confidence, that is) Real-life sex isn't like movie sex, but that's the standard men hold themselves to. If a man feels he can't fulfill this narrow definition, he may begin to feel anxious. This ruins the fun. The fix: Impose a one-month ban on intercourse. (Really.) Men sometimes see intercourse as the finish line, but no finish line means no race. And that means you have to focus on turning each other on- just for fun. "Think about it as a cool challenge," Dr Nawal says. "Explore different kinds of touch. Let the desire build naturally." 4. You know each other way too well "More intimacy isn't always better," Dr Nawal says. "Too much can de-eroticise your relation." In fact, unmarried couples who live together for two years or longer have the least sex of any group, including married couples, he says. The fix: Plan his-and-hers sex nights. One night a month, she does what you want. On another, you do as she commands. Pick a different scenario each month, and surprise her. The goal is to push the boundaries of your relationship, so you think of each other as sexual beings again.