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Do women use sex as a tool?

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Do women use SEX as a tool?
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach... and then it goes further down. How do we know that? Well digest this: thousands of miles away in Kenya, women (including sexworkers) have vowed to deny their men sex until they stop the infighting and give the country a stable government. A man has even sued Kenyan women activists saying he has been suffering from stress, backache and anxiety since the ban. Kenya may be far, far away, but there aren't too many Indian women who would disagree with their Kenyan counterparts.

After all it is the bed (and not just the bedroom), where the most important decisions are made.

Twenty-seven-year-old Shraddha Tyagi, a research analyst, nods in approval. "Men don't really use their brains to think. They have a single- track mind and women know how to exploit this fact," she says. She learnt this with experience.

She had a difficult time convincing her husband for a trip to the Maldives. "We had to decide on a honeymoon destination and my husband, Amit, was hell- bent on going to Egypt," says Shraddha.

Alas! Shraddha's Maldives dreams could not materialise - like a good, dutiful wife, Shraddha just followed her husband to Egypt for a seven- day touch and go trip. But she had already decided on the next plan of action - a second honeymoon at Maldives. " Our honeymoon was great, but I just couldn't get over the idea of romancing on the beaches of Maldives," she says.

Scheming minds
Soon after her honeymoon, Shraddha started coaxing Amit for their second honeymoon. She tried to talk it out. But a second honeymoon in a span of six months, was something Amit couldn't fathom. One magical day, when the stars were favouring Shraddha, she cooked the yummiest dinner ever. Besides the scrumptious meal, Shraddha had more in store for Amit. Her sexy nightgown had bowled him over. "But just when he was ready… I said... 'Darling, can we go to the Maldives please?'," recalls Shraddha. It was something Amit just could not refuse at that moment. And he instantly said 'yes'. "After two weeks we were on our way to Maldives and the rest is history!" says Shraddha.

Dr Anu Goel, counsellor at Neuropsychiatry Clinic says about 60 to 70 per cent women use sex as a tool to drive home a point. "I have handled many cases in which women successfully manipulated men into doing whatever they want. Especially in matters that involve money, such as going on holidays," she says.

Preeti Chaudhary, 29, software professional remembers the time when her mother tried to convince her father to buy a plot of land. "It was about 14 years ago. My mother wanted to buy a plot just next to her parents' home in Kolkata," recalls Chaudhary. But her father, a typical Dilliwalah, after living in Delhi for over 20 years, wanted one in the national capital.

"My father was vehemently opposed to it - he had left Kolkata soon after the 71 uprising and had some bad memories of the city. But my mother, like a true, Bengali was in love with Kolkata. I remember my parents having heated arguments over the issue every day," she says. And then the arguments suddenly stopped - rather unusually.

"One fine day, my father booked tickets to Kolkata and went off to the 'forbidden city' to buy the piece of land. I wondered how it happened. That was when my sister educated me about the pillow talk my parents had had. She had overheard muffled voices from the bedroom," chuckles Chaudhary.

Lessons from mamma
Chaudhary has also used some of these tactics. "Being a housewife, my mother often uses intimacy as a tool for money-related issues. But it's the best way to get a man to say 'I love you'," she says. Five years back, when she was dating her then boyfriend (now husband), Nitin, it had become a Herculean task for her to get him to say he loved her. " We had been together for about a year and he was still stuck with the phrase ' I like you'. And we both knew it was more than just a 'liking'. Our little fling had turned out to be something more substantial. So during one of those intense make- out sessions in his car, I just stopped kissing and asked him, "Do you love me... if you do then say it aloud," he didn't have any choice but to do what I asked," says Chaudhary.


So he said the three magic words and is now happily married to Chaudhary. "Nitin still has problems in saying, 'I love you'. He says it only when he is sufficiently drunk or is in a very good mood," she says and seems to be pretty okay with the situation and swears she would never use sex as a tool.


"That was probably the first and the last time, I tried to manipulate him. I am never going to do it again. Nitin is a very understanding man and he knows me like the back of his hand. He doesn't need manipulation," she says.


Girls manipulate
Women who are stronger than their partners are often able to manipulate them quite easily in the bedroom says Dr Rachna Khanna Singh, lifestyle expert, Artemis Hospital.


"Women would deny their partner any kind of social and sexual intimacy or indulgence. They often use intimacy to drive home a point. This is very common in cases of issues that are lying pending or are related to any emotional conflict," says Singh.


In fact, bedrooms have a very important role to play in saasbahu sagas. And scheming bahu s are often one up on the good old saas because of their ability to sweet talk in the bedroom.


"Resolving issues related to inlaws, is one of the most common acts in the bedroom. That is the time when a man is most vulnerable," says Singh.


The truth about 007
In September 2008, a North Korean woman, Won Jeong-hwa, was accused of sleeping with South Korean army officers to get military secrets. She admitted in court she spied for the communist country passing sensitive information to the North. But that's the spy world for you. A world where James Bond kisses his way into top secret documents and always runs into women who are equally interested in sex and use their sexuality as a tool for manipulation.


It is probably the reason why Bond is often called a misogynist. In the real world too men can turn into misogynists if women get too manipulative. "It becomes a huge turn-off for a man," says Anu Goel, who recently spent five hours counselling a couple facing the same problem.


"In this particular case, the wife is obsessed with money. If her husband provides her with sufficient money and keeps her happy, she has sex with him. Otherwise she keeps pushing him, asking him to even cheat people and earn more money. They have been married for 15 years and now the husband is fed up of his wife's behaviour," says Goel, adding, "A man has a higher sex- drive and needs more sex and a woman often takes advantage of the situation." However, some men seem to be ignorant of the fact that such women actually exist. "Do such women exist?

I would love to meet women who use sex as a tool," says Ashish Diwan, an advertising professional. "And I'll do whatever she wants me to do," he smiles.

As long as such men exist we should not have any problems.

Anindita Datta Choudhury

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